scribbles from a novel

"Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
 

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Darling I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
I took your presence for granted
BUT I ALWAYS CARED
And I miss the love we shared"

 

 

 

 

 

In behalf of all of us, we would like to say to you Abby, who said "sa lahat ng Shsians nung batch ko...magkita2 na tau ulet..it's time for a reunion!!! haha..", that we are deeply sorry that it had to come to this before you got your wish.  

 

Thank you for everything. Thank you for the joy your presence brought to our lives and for the vigor and smiles only you could bring. Who else can make her bawling high school friends suddenly unable to control their laughter when we finally mustered enough strength and courage to see you and give our hellos and goodbyes? Even beyond this life, the kalog Abby we knew and love still touches our hearts in a way no one else can.

 

We love you, Abigael E. Parong. We will miss you.

 

 

The thing about me is that when I stop complaining, when I no longer rant or when I fall into silent resignation, it usually means that I have either finally accepted what is and what isn't or simply stopped caring about what can or cannot be.

More often than not, it's the latter.


And that is never a good thing.

Inspired by a post my blockmate Romee made for her birthday two years ago, I made a 2005 Christmas list which was divided into two parts. The next year, I made a 2006 Christmas list which followed the same format, and since Christmas is less than a month away, I am doing it again.

To anyone who wants to give me something soon, here's a little something to help you out. Hehehe

10 Material Things That I Want For Christmas and Even for My Birthday  (in no particular order)

1.       Clothes - slacks, smart casual tops (for gimmicks, work, church and special occasions), jackets, casual shirts, swimwear (like the Xhiliration bandeau style I already have)

2.       Footwear -  closed-toe heels, wedges or comfortable open-toe heels,  Havaianas Slim and/or Joy (no rubber shoes/sneakers! I am so growing up. Hahaha!)

3.       Laptop - lightweight and preferrably around the size of an iBook or just a little bit smaller  (a Mac would do too. Hahaha)

4.       Car - manual; CRV-type, sedan or as small as a Jazz

5.       Bank account - for car maintanance expenses

6.       Wallet - one that can hold a good number of cards (coin purse can be separate so the wallet won't be too thick)

7.       Money - for the things I'd like to pay for myself

8.       Bags - for going out or for work (so I won't keep using my sister's or my mom's)

9.       Jewelry set - classic and elegant style; authentic elements para good investment na rin at puwede i-pass on

10.    Cellphone - 6300 (preferrably white but any color is fine) or 6500

 

10 (of the) Priceless Things I Want / I Pray For (in no particular order)

1.      Forgiveness and Acceptance - for a lot of things, for complicated reasons

2.       Stronger bond - between me and her, brought about by finally being able to talk about everything; a product of  number 1

3.       Strength - of faith, of character and of will

4.       Good health - for everyone I care for

5.       Sense of responsibility - increased and sustained; not just for me

6.       No vices - zero smoking, only social drinking and no drugs for all the people dear to me

7.       Selflessness - not just in dealing with the people within my immediate social unit but also with regard to people beyond my comfort zone

8.       Humility - to accept certain things

9.       Wisdom - to know which is the right thing to do

10.    Surprise - a gift I would not expect; done or made with effort; may be a gesture or a thing

 
As I said in 2006, it's fun to compare the lists I have made over the years and see how much of them are evolving and how much are more or less constant. Hopefully as time goes by my lists get more mature...hehe.  I still maintain, however, that I prefer anything from the second list over everything from the first, but then some of the contents of the first list are actually more realistic than those from the second one. Sad but true.

Anyway, an advanced Merry Christmas to everyone! I hope no one's as broke as I am at this time of the year. Haha!

Nothing's as cheezy as having my his arm around me as he sang along as Babyface was singing "Everytime I Close My Eyes"

or as the way my heart felt during the front act performance when he held me close, looked at me and sang, "I guess you'd say, what can make me feel this way? My girl..."


mushmuhsmush. hehe


Thank you.

Thank God my best friend is from La Salle because that gives me reason to control my emotional outburst which might produce statements that may come out as indirect attacks on her simply on the count that she is a La Sallian. That gives me more reason try my best to be graceful upon defeat.


I would not necessarily say it was a nice game because of the calls and none-calls BUT congratulations.


Thank God I am an Atenean. That does not need further explanation despite the outcome of a basketball game.


"...not just athletes but STUDENT athletes." - Coach Norman Black



ANG SARAP MAGING ATENISTA.

Dearest Lord,


Grant me the wisdom to know which is the right path to take,
                  the humility to accept it,
                  the courage to take it,
                  and the strength to stay on it.

Enlighten me, Lord, all for Your greater glory.



                                                                Amen.

This is so messed up.



I have never felt so incompetent in my life.

When I asked you countless times to drink some vitamins because you easily tire and get sick;

Whenever I told you to eat right - avoid bad food and eat more of the good;

When I frowned and pouted when you wanted to go out into the drizzling rain without any protection on;

When I insisted that you took an umbrella and borrow a jacket to cover yourself with;

Every time I'd make a comment, whether jokingly or seriously, about how you should be hitting the gym because you haven't been getting exercise for a very long time;

During the many times I whined and complained about how you don't let me know if you're still well and alive;

Whenever I swallowed my pride and shamelessly asked your friends if they knew where you were;

All those times I asked you to take care of yourself because though you insist on it, you are not Superman;

During the instances I became frustrated upon finding out that you still went out despite the storm or despite the fact that you just got well from being sick;

All the time I refuse to be okay with you being unreachable - with you not contacting me - because at the root of the anger is a worrying heart;

Whenever I call your house even if I know I risk being slightly embarrassed to admit to your family that I remain unaware of your whereabouts;


When, even through the irritation formed within me for days, I tried my best to take a deep breath and as calmly as I could considering all the emotions inside me, asked when you got sick, what the doctor said or if you had taken your medicine already, and tell you that next time don't go out anymore when there's a storm;


When, after a day, I called up your house, asked if you were still awake and upon hearing your voice asked if you were still sick and with the full intention of not blabbering my head off for a change, tell you to let out everything you have to say;



Those were times I was telling you I cared. Those were instances I said, "I LOVE YOU. I WANT YOU TO BE WELL ALWAYS, AND I WANT TO KNOW YOU'RE SAFE. PLEASE DON'T FORGET THAT THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE WAITING FOR AND WORRYING ABOUT YOU."


I look after you, even during the times you may feel that I don't have to. I care, even when you may think that I shouldn't...at least not yet. I do...perhaps more than I should because I don't get to see nor talk to you most of the time. I say all those things in a manner my admittedly proud self knows and can, and I wish you'd hear me during all those times.


I truly hope you do, because then I could give you the open caring arms and sweet words you won't even have to ask for because I would have already seen that you listened, that you did all that you could, but despite that you fell. Then I could tell you that everything is going to be okay, my love. I'd tell you that you are going to be just fine. I'd say I'm going to take care of you as you rest and take a break from taking care of yourself.


I'd say "I LOVE YOU. REST AND BE WELL. I AM JUST HERE" not in the language I am used to but in the language your heart needs.




I CARE. ALWAYS.

I actually still wait.

For the past years, every Friday and Saturday night, and during the nights when the situation is the same, I still wait for that call or message that I know will never come.

I just never learn.


I bring upon myself my own disappointment. Sheesh.

She grew up resenting the expectations people had of her. "I am not like that," she used to say. She wanted them to simply sit back and accept the way she was. She wanted them to just watch and deal with the fact that she would not give anything more, that she defied the "rules" of how she should be despite evidence to the contrary.

No, it was not a matter of her best not being good enough. She knew deep in her heart that she was not giving her best to being with. She just chose to remain that way - mediocre and half-baked - and she wanted the world to take her as that - not as a girl who refused to maximize what she had, but as a girl who was beautiful and special despite that.

But of course, the world would not. It refused to give her that look of approval she almost constantly (but secretly) looked over her shoulder for. She would make herself believe that she was just not good enough.

Fast forward a few years later when experience and strife come crashing down on her. All the laughter, the joy, the tears and the struggles were deafening calls that woke her up from her fantasy. They were right: she was more than what she wanted the world to accept her to be, and there was no excuse to being anything short of that. She was this, and so she had to be that. She began to push, and it felt good. It felt right. This was her place, and she knew she would not go back.

She began to expect more from herself. She even expected more from others too; it seemed logical to do so. She could not put up with anything less than she deserved, could she? Everything inside her believed that she was trodding the right path. She was pleased with herself. She was finally living her own life, and as the world smiled at what she had begun to accomplish, she realized that finally, she had started to grow up.

Imagine what she would have been feeling when it only took one morning for her to question everything she had believed was true. It was as if everything she knew about herself were nothing but mere illusions. The world stopped turning as she stood on shaky ground. Who was she? Where was she? And where was she going?

No one knew what was happening. No one knew her thoughts. No one knew what she was struggling with. No one knew what she was going through. No one still does. Because no one would understand.

Besides, she wouldn't know where to start anyway.

Amidst all the things she cannot put into words, something seems to keep banging in her head: She did not grow up. She was, after all, a coward. Though some thought her strong, she was, in reality, still just a little girl looking up for that smile that may never come. It was pathetic really, because she had dragged the world into a place where it had to endure the consequences of her cowardice.

It is now, more than ever, that she needs to really, truly, grow up.

I used to write a lot. Writing was my outlet, my hobby. However, for the past months (maybe even years), it seems that I haven't been able to come up with anything beyond emotional outbursts whether it is on paper or online. What has happened to all the thoughts and ideas that easily flowed from my head? Have I become so limited? Has my intellectual ability begun to spiral down? Or has there simply been an influx of things longing to be said, of thoughts lingering in my head, that I have been unable to sort and put them together into readable pieces of work?

I feel that if I don't write anything substantial soon, whatever skill I have in writing (whether good or bad) will deteriorate.


Must.

Write.

Something.

Worthwhile.

So be it. I'm not going to make myself miserable over it. Not anymore. I have a life to live.



You taught me to be this way.

I'm proud of you.


You've been simply wonderful.

"...I want us to be...ALWAYS...YOU AND ME =)"




Feels like falling in love again .  ♥

Head over heart. Reason over emotion. That's how I was raised to think; that's how I was taught to react. More often than not, that's just the way I am, or at least that's the way I process things.

So sometimes, as George O'Malley said (oo na, ang hilig ko mag-quote), "It's not because I don't care...I do. Care. I just can't tell you what you wanna hear...Just because you can't say something doesn't mean you don't want to. You can want to very much...Now that's frustrating, when what your brain tells you what you want and what you actually want don't match up. It's exhausting. And, well, It's complicated..."

There are moments when I wish I could just easily set aside my thoughts and just enjoy a moment. Sometimes I wish I can just focus on the positive instead of continually trying to correct the negative.

Years ago, Mom, her friend Tita Darlina, Tita Darlina's daughter and I had a healthy debate/conversation about us children, academics and our parents. We said it would be nice to hear compliments and praises from our parents when we do something good. It always seemed, we added, that our efforts were simply never good enough. Mom said, "We recognize your efforts naman...pag magkakasama nga kami (she and her friends) we talk about our children...but we feel that if we praise you, you will think that what you did is already enough and you will just end there and stop trying. We always want you to do better and to always do your best." I answered, "But what you're doing is actually discouraging us from doing better kasi we feel na no matter what we do, kulang pa rin. So what's the point, di ba? It would be nice to hear that we did a good job so we feel that our efforts are recognized. Then, we'll want to do better."

Now, I understand where each of us was coming from. I know how it is to want someone to be better and to keep pushing someone to be the best he/she can be (not just academically). I also still understand how it is to try and try and to long for the recognition that will help push you in performing well. Both have understandable reasons and emotions. That means I can easily reconcile the two, right? It entails allowing one side's feelings affect the other side's reason, and vice-versa.

Easier said than done.

________________________

Look at and understand the principles behind what is asked of you to do and what you have to do. It is not a simple matter of doing things.

Do things out of PRINCIPLE, and that will change everything.

________________________

Finally.

Yes, I AM happy.

I just need more patience. More.

quoting One Tree Hill this time

Nathan: I'm not good at this okay? I'm not you.
Haley: What's that supposed to mean?
Nathan: I'm not perfect okay? I screw up, I make mistakes. It's what I do...

___________________

Brooke: I may not always know what I’m doing... but I’ll try to make things better. And when I make a mistake... because face it, we all do...I promise I’ll ask for your help. I can’t do this alone. But if you’ll take a chance on me, we can do great things together. I promise, if you believe in me, I’ll find the courage to reach for your every dream.

 

 

 

I do my best to try.

But silence isn't the answer. It feeds my emotions and triggers my mind to think of a million more thoughts. Then, what would have been such a simple matter escalates into something bigger.

I honestly don't like that.

I try.